The Pen is Mightier

Travel back with me to Saturday, March 20, 1999, when Saturday Night Live had my all-time favorite “Celebrity Jeopardy” skit. On the stage are the host, Alex Trebek (played by Will Ferrell) and the panelists: Calista Flockhart (played by a very thin Drew Barrymore); Nicholas Cage (played by a very young Jimmy Fallon); and Sean Connery (played by Darrell Hammond), who always steals the show).

“It’s time for Double Jeopardy,” Trebek announces. “Let’s take a look at the board. The categories are:”

  • Potent Potables

  • The Pen is Mightier . . . “That category is quotes from famous authors,” Trebek explains, “so you’ll all probably be more comfortable with our next category” . . .

  • Shiny Objects . . . “continuing with” . . .

  • Opposites

  • Things You Shouldn’t Put in Your Mouth

  • What Time is It? … “And, finally,”

  • Months That Start With Feb. 

“Mr. Connery,” says Trebek. “Why don’t you pick a category?”

Connery: “I’ve got to ask you about the Penis Mightier.”

Trebek: “What? [Pause.] No. No. No. That is, ‘The Pen is Mightier’.”

Connery: “Gussy it up however you want, Trebek. What matters is, does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?”

Trebek: “It’s not a product, Mr. Connery. . . .”

Connery: “. . . Because I’ve ordered devices like that before – wasted a pretty penny, I don’t mind telling you. And if the Penis Mightier works, I’ll order a dozen.”

Trebek: “It’s not a Penis Mightier, Mr. Connery. There’s no such thing!”

Nicholas Cage: “Wait, wait, wait, are you selling Penis Mightiers?”

Trebek: “No! No, I’m not.”

Connery: “Well, you’re sitting on a gold mine, Trebek!”

Fast forward 27 years to the winter Olympics in Italy’s Dolomite mountains, where, as The Guardian reported, “The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating whether ski jumpers were injecting their penises with hyaluronic acid in order to fly further (sic),” all in search of a gold medal. Suddenly, Sean Connery’s words seem prophetic.

Hyaluronic acid occurs naturally in the human body, and its benefits range from arthritis relief to plumper lip. And also apparently to loft time – as some ski jumpers have allegedly been injecting it into their genitals to stay a bit longer in the air and gain a few meters on their jump. “Penisgate” has become my favorite scandal of these Olympics.

At first I wondered how this procedure could possibly increase a male skier’s hang time. But it turns out that the Hyaluronic advantage takes place long before the jumper is airborne. In fact, the Guardian reports, it happens before the games begin, when the skiers are measured for their suits, including crotch size – a process that “is tightly regulated to prevent any athlete having an aerodynamic advantage.” You’d think a wad of Kleenex or a tennis ball would be easier, but the official 3D body scanner would easily detect them. Scientific American reports that one centimeter of increased crotch size in the ski pant can add more than three meters to the jump. There are, however, a number of risks associated with the procedure, gangrene being the worst-case scenario.

Gary Cooper and his wife, Veronica Balfe, get a great view of five-time Olympian and decorated WWII bomber pilot Art Devlin jumping over them at Aspen Mountain. Photo by U.S. skiing champion Dick Durrance.

Although the scandal remains a “wild rumor,” Alessandro Littara, Italy’s leading practitioner of these injections, told USA Today, “I did in fact treat an athlete from that sport . . . and used a generous dose of hyaluronic acid."

Will he win the gold and vindicate Sean Connery after all these years? We may never now. He told Littara he wanted the injection “to avoid embarrassment in the changing room.”