Ten Reasons Canada Should Never Become the 51st State

“Never say never.” - Donald Trump

I recently received the following letter from my imaginary Canadian friend.

Cher Ami,

After watching this week’s meeting at the White House between our prime minister and your president, during which they discussed Mr. Trump’s desire to annex Canada, I am sending you a list of ten reasons why Canada should never (“jamais!”) become America’s 51st state. The public meeting was cordial, even jocular, but afterwards, in private, Primary Minister Mark Carney asked President Trump to stop referring to Canada as the 51st U.S. state.

NFS. Most obviously, because the Canadian people don’t want to. As Mr. Carney told Mr. Trump, in the kind of transactional real estate terms he understands, Canada is not for sale. “Having met with the owners of Canada over the course of the campaign,” the newly elected Carney said, “it’s not for sale. Won’t be for sale, ever.”
The Senate Problem. With 40 million people, Canada is slightly more populous than California (39 million). That means we would have more Congresspeople than any of your current 50 states. That’s a lot of power. But we would only have two senators, which is not nearly enough to represent an area the size of your country. Two senators is a non-starter.
Dirty Oil. The oil sands in Alberta are the third-largest proven oil reserve in the world. It is also the world’s dirtiest oil. Fortunately, we export 97 percent of that oil to the United States, which seems to have an infinite appetite for it. We like this arrangement; we don’t want the oil back.
Clean Water. On the other hand, we have the best water. Canada has been called “the Saudi Arabia of fresh water,” although much of it is not currently available for human consumption. That’s fine with us. We have watched you pollute and strangle your rivers and other sources of fresh water, and we don’t want you getting your hands on ours.
Language. We are officially a bilingual nation, and your president has just designated English the official language of the United States. We have enough problems in Quebec; we do not need you taking down our French traffic signs. And by the way, it’s pronounced kay-BEC not KWEE-beck.
Tariffs and Trade Wars. We will have to negotiate around your new tariff obsession because we seem to have no choice, but we have zero interest in getting sucked into your dumb trade wars.
Refugees. From the American Revolution to the Underground Railroad to Vietnam war resistors, Canada has always been a place of refuge for American dissenters. Again today, we see your people turn longing gazes to the north. In March, philosophy professor Jason Stanley became the third tenured faculty member to leave Yale for the University of Toronto, saying, I want “to raise my kids in a country that is not tilting towards a fascist dictatorship.” We are proud of our legacy as a safe haven.
Greenland. It’s just a short hop across Baffin Bay from northern Canada to Greenland, a great staging area for U.S. troops. We don’t think that’s a very good idea. As they used to say in England during World War II, the only problem with the Yanks is that they are “overpaid, oversexed, and over here.” We don’t want them up here.
Monarchy. We already have a septuagenarian king, one who lives 3,000 miles away, speaks in complete sentences, does not constantly need to hog the stage, and cares deeply about the environment and climate change. Why would we trade him for Trump?
Friendship. Why do you Americans think you have to own everything? Can’t we just be neighbors?

You say, “Never say never.” We say, “Jamais veut dire jamais” (“Never means never.”)

Cordialement,
Ton ami