Ladies Day
It could have happened like this:
Imagine it’s Ladies Day at Mar-a-Lago, and the Big Donors are handing out what we used to call the spoils [1] to reward “the ladies” for their service to the GOP. Let’s listen in.
– First up is Elsie Stefanik.
– I think it’s Elise. What about the UN? She lives in New York, so she won’t have to commute. [2]
– Great idea. Remember when Khruschev banged his shoe on the desk there? That’s the kind of thing Steffy’ll do. Plus, she went to Harvard.
– We don’t talk about that anymore.
– Neither does Harvard.
– Tulsi Gabbard. What do we know about her?
– She was smart enough to get out of the Democrat party.
– Well then, let’s give her intelligence!
– Central or National?
– What’s the difference?
– How do I know? Let’s give her National. It sounds more important.
– Kimberly Guilfoyle.
– This one’s a little tricky. The Trumps don’t want her around, especially now that Junior is dating a debutante.
– She’s not a debutante. She’s 38.
– Young enough to be Kimberly’s daughter.
– Here’s what an anonymous source told People magazine: [He reads] "Kim is not a nice person and always wants the limelight. Don and Kim are over but they are going to offer her some kind of an administrative position so she will be happy." Apparently, “she loves the power and lifestyle.”
– So, we need to get her far away from here. But where?
– Greece is available.
– Great. Let’s get her on the phone.
– Hi, Kimberly, this is the Big Donors calling. We’re discussing jobs in the Trump administration . . . and you’re getting Greece. How’s that sound?
– I’m getting Grease?!! Thanks, Big Donors. I am over the moon! [Call ends]
– Oh, I’m going to be a star! Wikipedia says that “Grease was a raunchy, raw, aggressive, vulgar show.” It sounds so perfect. [She starts singing “Summer Nights,” imagining herself as Sandy in a revival of the Broadway hit.]
Then Don Junior posted on X: "I am so proud of Kimberly. She loves America and she always has wanted to serve the country as an Ambassador. She will be an amazing leader for America First." [3]
– Wait a minute. They meant Greece, the country?!! The place with all those ruins and Aristotles? [4] Damn those homonyms!
And thus, another highly qualified ambassador is appointed to represent America First.
[1] In 1883, the Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act replaced the old “spoils system” with the “merit system,” which was intended to be untainted by partisan politics. It’s now known as “the deep state,” and Project 2025 promises to get rid of it.
[2] She lives in Schuylerville in Northern Saratoga County.
[3] Athens is 5,782 miles from Palm Beach.
[4] Presumably, the philosopher and Jackie O’s second husband.