John Boehner paused long enough from his August vacation at the Koch brothers’ Reclaiming America boot camp to take credit for the decline in obesity among very poor young children. “You can sum it up in one word,” said the Speaker. “Food stamps.” Flanked by Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan, Boehner cited a report just released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that showed a small but perceptible drop in obesity rates among low-income children between the ages of two and four. “Our caucus sent a strong message in last month’s Farm Bill when we uncoupled food stamps from actual food,” he told reporters. “And that message got through. It’s clear that the Republican Party’s tough love toward poor minority kids is working.”

“It’s very hard on our members to vote 40 times to repeal Obamacare,” said Cantor. “But middle-class taxpayers are tired of this administration trying to shove socialized medicine down our throats. We need real deficit reduction, and we need to put the nanny state to bed and turn off the lights.”

“This is not about being mean to kids,” added Ryan. “It’s about teaching them to take personal responsibility. The American people are tired of Michelle Obama telling their children to eat their vegetables and Mike Bloomberg trying to take away their right to a big Pepsi.”

“The phrase,” said Cantor, “is not ‘poor, fat and happy.’ It’s ‘rich, fat and happy.’ Fat and happy are not government entitlements. You have to earn them.”