Cutting to the Bone

The New York Times has again revealed its bias by juxtaposing two articles on its digital front page that allegedly have nothing to do with each other. In one, the newspaper reports that Congressman Paul Ryan (R, WI) has presented a budget that would slash not only Medicare and social security but job training, infrastructure investment and higher education. Nearby, we learn that “A New York police officer was convicted on Tuesday in a bizarre plot to kidnap, torture, kill and eat women, ending a trial whose outcome hinged on the delicate legal distinction between fantasy and reality.” Coincidence? I don’t think so, although a spokesperson for the paper called the charge “complete b*ll sh*t, just like the rest of your blogs.” A representative from Ryan’s office scoffed at the comparison, defending the budget proposal as “necessary and long-overdue surgery to save the lives of Medicare and social security.” Quoting a famous maxim from Vietnam, he noted that “sometimes it is necessary to destroy a thing in order to save it,” adding, with regard to cannibalism, “it’s Obamacare that’s eating our young.”

He said there was no comparison between the current proposal and the Romney-Ryan budget the voters soundly rejected in November. “In the election we had to take the plan to the country, where people like Obama better than us. But here on Capitol Hill, the Republicans rule. We have a majority in the House of Representatives, and in the Senate, we have the filibuster.”

La Mama

Veteran Vatican watchers were befuddled yesterday when out of St. Peter’s dome came neither black smoke nor white smoke . . . but lightning. Traditionally, black smoke has meant the assembled cardinals have not yet agreed on the next pope; white smoke means the church has a new leader.

Lightning, it turns out, means the next pope is Theresa Speyer, a no-nonsense, 12^th-generation Catholic from Olive Branch, Illinois. The new pontiffa (or “La Mama”) traces her ancestry to the Diet of Worms, which, she told reporters, family archives describe as “delicious” and “loaded with protein,” as well as "putting Martin Luther in his place."

At her first press conference, Speyer said she “totally” accepts church doctrine on marriage and the priesthood. “Are you kidding," the twice-divorced leader-elect asked? "I wish I had listened to Him years ago.”

As a woman, Speyer hopes to be more inclusive than some of her predecessors, men like Innocent III whose Inquisition, she noted, rubbed certain people the wrong way. “I plan to sit down with the world’s major religious leaders and see if we can’t be nicer to each other.

“We have the most trouble with Muslims,” she continued, “so first up will be Barack Obama. I’d like to get him with Rick Santorum, who converted Governor Brownback of Kansas when they were in the Senate together.”

Asked about the Dalai Lama, who has made world peace the center of his religious teaching, Speyer demurred. “Let’s start with people who actually believe in God.”

Clarence Speaks

Yesterday Associate Justice Clarence Thomas spoke publicly from the bench for the first time since Feb. 22, 2006. According to the Supreme Court’s official transcript, Thomas broke his almost-seven-year silence with the words, “Well – he did not —.” One Court analyst called those four words “perhaps the most important speech in Thomas’ 21-year career on the bench” – although no one in the courtroom seems to have any idea what the enigmatic jurist actually meant. Professor Emily I. Dunno, who teaches linguistics and constitutional law at Southern Indiana Law School, pointed to the dashes for insight into his potential meaning. “Half as many dashes as words,” said Dr. Dunno. “That’s a lot of dashes.”

There are various explanations for Thomas’ taciturnity. He has written that he is self-conscious of his rural southern accent, and at other times has said he comes to listen not to talk, and that his verbose colleagues make it hard to join the discussion. My own thought is that asking questions will only muddy the thoughts in Thomas’ rigidly made-up mind.

It hardly seems more than two decades since the Bush administration cynically pushed through a man, who openly resented the idea of affirmative action, to replace Thurgood Marshall, the civil-rights titan who insisted on the justice of such action to confront three centuries of slavery and Jim Crow. Thomas was confirmed 52-48, the smallest margin in over a century, and his subsequent silence has obscured the extremity of his opinions on an increasingly right-wing Court.

Our Trillion-Dollar Baby

I had somehow missed the discussion about the trillion-dollar platinum coin, which the Treasury Department would mint under a creative reading of a 1997 law that authorizes the production of commemorative coins. The coin would be deposited at the Federal Reserve Bank, where it would sit in splendor, like a beneficent monarch, enabling its country to carry on without Congressional action on the debt ceiling. The idea has met with much ridicule. But I love it. It brilliantly combines the hard currency demands of those who support a return to the gold standard with the cheap money of the Populist free silver and greenback traditions. All of American history can be read as a recurrent battle between the advocates of “hard” money (let’s call them Creditors) and “soft” money (let’s call them Debtors). Creditors want money to be as rare as possible so they can squeeze the blood out of those in their debt. That’s why we call them bloodsuckers. Debtors, by contrast, want cheap money so they only have to pay back 47 cents for every dollar they borrowed. That’s why we call them the 47 percent.

The plan is that, when Congress finally raises the debt ceiling and the coin is no longer needed, it will be destroyed. But that seems like a terrible waste of money – and obviously we are going to need that coin soon again. So I think we should give it to the Chinese as a memento of our entangling financial relationship . . . and as full payment on a trillion dollars of debt.

Randy Generals

As someone who never made it out of the enlisted ranks in his military career, I don’t have a good grasp on the recent behavior of the general staff. But with a second Afghanistan commander-in-chief in limbo for what is being deemed “flirtatious” behavior, others are reacting to the unexpected hormonal explosions. “It’s the damned drones,” said a person not authorized to speak for the Pentagon. “With more and more of the real fighting controlled by technocrats at an airbase outside Las Vegas, instead of by commanders at the front, the number of testosterone-displacement-syndrome cases has risen sharply. This is a serious problem, and video games and authorized biographies are only part of the solution.”

Several potential 2016 presidential candidates also wasted little time in weighing in.

Happy to finally be able to explain why someone as belligerent as he is took a series of draft deferments during the Vietnam War, Newt Gingrich said, “The military is the only place left in America where adultery is still a crime . . . except, of course, in Callista’s and my house since I made my peace with God.”

“Crime or no crime,” retorted Rick Santorum, “the real problem here is contraception,” which he called “nothing but a license to commit sin.”

Paul Ryan reassured the Joint Chiefs of Staff that he has “binders full of women” left over from his last campaign.

Flying 42,000 feet above the fray in her Boeing 757, Hilary Clinton was unavailable for comment. As was Bill.

Herman Cain enlisted. He can now be reached at @Herman@fortbragg.gov.

Cabinet Making (2)

The re-election campaign has caused the president to consider major changes in his second-term cabinet in response to Republican criticisms of his World Apology Tour, runaway spending, the unappreciated role of the cavalry, the central importance of Bill Clinton and the shifting landscape.

• Secretary of State: Ima Sari
• Secretary of Defense: Smarty Jones
• Secretary of the Treasury: Outsourced to the idle printing presses of the Gannett Corporation
• Secretary of the Interior: To be abolished, as Republican-led state legislatures push ballot measures to take over western federal lands, including the Grand Canyon.
• Secretary of Health and Human Services: With GOP senate candidates declaring that pregnancies from rape are either an impossibility or a gift from God, the department will be downsized while Democrats bone up on other medical procedures besides abortion.
• Ambassador to the United Nations: Robert Toll of Toll Brothers (so we can do some nation building here at home)
• In addition, the Ambassador to Kenya will be elevated to full-cabinet status.

All other cabinet positions will be overseen by Bill Clinton, who will also be in charge of redecorating the White House for the 2017 inauguration of President-elect Hillary Rodham (Clinton).

Because of the magnitude of his two roles, the former president has assembled an advisory panel composed entirely of private citizens:

• Foreign Affairs: Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the Sofitel Hotel, New York City, and Paris, France.
• Domestic Affairs: Eliot Spitzer, New York, NY
• Public Affairs: Anthony Weiner, Brooklyn, NY
• Private Affairs: “That woman . . .

Cabinet Making

With their talking over, the candidates have turned to the substance of governing, and speculation is rampant about who will end up in each man’s cabinet. Here is what a Romney cabinet might look like, in order of official rank. ▪   Secretary of State: Judging from last night’s debate, we don’t need one

▪   Secretary of the Treasury: Herman Cain, 9-9-9, Atlanta, Georgia

▪   Secretary of Defense (which will take back its traditional name, the Department of War): Erik Prince, founder of Blackwater, the world’s largest private army

▪   Attorney General: Rick Santorum, former senator from Pennsylvania; long-time resident of Great Falls, Virginia.

▪   Secretary of the Interior (now the Department of Oil): David Koch, philanthropist, Wichita, Kansas

▪   Secretary of Agriculture: Hugh Grant, Chairman and CEO, Monsanto

▪   Secretary of Commerce: The donor wishes to remain anonymous

▪   Secretary of Labor: Abolished

▪   Secretary of Health and Human Services: Todd Akin, Congressman, Wildwood, Missouri

▪   Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Kerry Klinger, former CEO of the former Washington Mutual, Inc.

▪   Secretary of Transportation: Rex Tillerson, Chairman and CEO, ExxonMobil

▪   Secretary of Energy (now the Department of Gas): Charles Koch, philanthropist, Wichita, Kansas

▪   Secretary of Education (abolished along with the public school system)

▪   Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Newt Gingrich, Honorary Veteran, McLean, Virginia

▪   Secretary of Homeland Security: Joseph M. Arpaio, Sheriff, Maricopa County, Arizona

▪   Chair of the Council of Home Economics Advisors (chosen randomly from a binder): Ann Romney

▪   Administrator of the EPA (Economic Production Agency): Hon. James M. Inhofe (R), Tulsa, Oklahoma

▪   Ambassador (now Minister) to the United Nations: Terry Jones, Pastor, Gainesville, Florida

Tomorrow: Obama’s cabinet.

A Modest Proposal (Updated)

With tonight’s final presidential debate focused on foreign policy, here are two issues we haven’t heard much about: climate change and the world’s poor. As it happens, they are not not unconnected. Half the world’s poorest people live in India and China, while another quarter live in Pakistan, Nigeria and Indonesia. Coincidentally, perhaps, the five countries where climate change kills the most people are China, India, Nigeria, Pakistan and Indonesia: three million die annually, and another 420 million are negatively affected. Not one of the five is among the world’s poorest countries. In fact, all are growing rapidly, and at least three have nuclear weapons. But their most distressed people are increasingly the victims of both poverty and environmental devastation.

What will happen, I pondered, if the world does nothing, as the world seems bent on doing? And then it hit me . . . Laissez-faire! . . . or “Laissez les eaux furieux rouler” as they used to say in New Orleans, “Let the wild waters roll.” If we continue to deny the reality of climate change and ignore the plight of the poor, the bottom billion will disappear. There will be no need for the birth-control programs that so irritate Republicans, nor for huge transfer payments to the developing world. Global purchasing power will be little affected, while thousands of miles of new beachfront will open up. Not since Jonathan Swift’s modest proposal that the destitute Irish sell their children for food to the English gentry has a solution presented itself that so benefits rich and poor alike.

Gaydar

A recent study by two psychologists concludes that “gaydar” – the ability to gauge sexual orientation simply by looking at someone – is real. Participants, who were shown photographs of men’s and women’s faces for 50 milliseconds, demonstrated “above-chance gaydar accuracy even when the faces were presented upside down. Accuracy increased, however, when the faces were presented right side up.” Skeptical, I did some digging and came across several similar studies, including:

Afrodar. As the antebellum and Jim Crow South discovered, this is much easier to determine in theory than in reality . . . although, interestingly, the darker the skin color, the more likely respondents were to classify the person as Black. Overall, however, a greater percentage of participants correctly identified Norwegians.

Jewdar. Participants demonstrated a complete inability to distinguish Israelis from Arabs, with one exception: if the head had a yarmulke, 100% identified him as a Jew.

Gendar. Fully two-thirds of respondents (67%) correctly identified the gender, a figure that increased to 92% when photographs of full-frontal nudity were shown. The margin of error was +/- 3%.

WASPdar. The study was aborted when the photographers were denied access to the country club.

Catholodar. 72% of participants correctly identified people emerging from St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Ash Wednesday as Catholics. 28% thought they were Hindus.

Fidar. The ability to identify dogs turns out to be breed-dependent. While English Toy Terriers were often misidentified as  rodents, all but one respondent recognized the Great Dane as a dog. The lone incorrect answer was “Hamlet.”

Oh, Fence, D-Fence

A report released yesterday by the Pew Research Center, which found that net migration from Mexico has dropped to zero – and may even have reversed itself – has roiled international relations and national politics. Speaking in his native Spanish, Mexico’s President Felipe Calderon called on President Obama to hurry up and finish the border fence. “We have enough problems without having to deal with hordes of gringos flooding across the Rio Grande,” he said. “It’s already hard to get our people to go up there” now that the Minuteman Project calls itself "a citizens' Neighborhood Watch on our border."

“This is just one more example of a failed Obama presidency,” said Mitt Romney. “This administration can't even provide jobs for illegal immigrants who will work for practically nothing.”

Asked if he now favored discontinuing the fence, whose cost is estimated at up to $10 million a mile, Romney responded: “I support the efforts of Gov. Jan Brewer, Sheriff Arpaio and others to secure our border.

“But,” he chuckled, “Ann and I have lost good yard boys in three states.”

The campaign quickly clarified that Romney meant to say “maintenance staff” and noted “the Romneys paid all appropriate taxes.”

Convinced he had finally found a winning issue, Newt Gingrich traveled to Arizona, where he accused Obama of maintaining the fence to keep Democratic voters from leaving.

“Mr. Obama,” he said. “Tear down this fence.”

Today the Supreme Court hears testimony on Arizona’s immigration law (SB 1070) aimed at protecting us from “the invasion of illegal aliens we face today.”

Meet Your Lobbyist

The newest lobbyist on Capitol Hill is 55-year-old John Bowles, who registered last week on behalf of the American Nazi Party. The Nazis have never had a lobbyist before, and Bowles told ABC News he was going to “try out for the first time and see if it flies.”

And what will the Nazis lobby for? On his registration form Bowles cited “political rights and ballot access laws.” But not to worry, he told ABC, “I’m not going to go in and shove a swastika in their face.”

This is not Bowles’ first experience with national politics. In 2008 he ran for president as “The White People’s Candidate,” proclaiming that “White Americans need to start voting as a bloc . . . if they are to have an effective voice in government or America will turn into a third world country.”

Capitol Hill seems a good place to start, as white people have established something of a beachhead there – holding 96 of the 100 seats in the Senate and 83 percent of the House. As a bloc, these guys could really do something.

Laying aside such complicated constitutional issues as racial purity, tribal homelands and the Aryan Republic of Idaho, they could focus on more immediate matters they have in common. A universal health-care system, for example, modeled on the one they all enjoy at public expense. Or getting serious about the national debt, which they all insist they want to do.

Bowles has his work cut out for him, though, because thousands of other lobbyists are already working the halls to make sure these things don’t happen.

Stumble of the Week

Mitt Dumps Newt 

Withdraws Treasury Offer in Wake of Bounced Check

Amid the continuing fall-out over the return of the Gingrich campaign’s $500 check for insufficient funds, Mitt Romney has dropped Newt Gingrich from consideration as Secretary of the Treasury in his administration. The money was the filing fee for Utah’s presidential primary.

“After watching his handling of Callista’s Tiffany bills,” said a Romney spokesperson, “we were impressed with the Speaker’s nimbleness with large deficits. Unfortunately, the situation has called that into question, and Governor Romney will go in a different direction.”

Asked if the Koch brothers were now under consideration for the cabinet post, she declined comment.

Calling the matter “one of those goofy things,” Gingrich said he expected to be competitive in Utah now that Jon Huntsman is out of the race.

“Five hundred dollars!” Romney later told a convention of restaurant chain owners, “I wouldn’t leave that little as a tip.”

“Unless,” he chuckled, “the service was really bad.”

In other stumbles:

• North Korea’s ballyhooed launch of its $450-million satellite lasted about a minute, at which point the Kwangmyongsong, or “Bright Shinning Star,” disintegrated and fell into the Yellow Sea.

• Hilary Rosen apologized to Ann Romney in the so-called Mommy Flap, which is indicative of how irrelevant so much of this campaign is to most people’s lives.

• France’s Beaujolais wine producers issued a statement denying any link to China’s disgraced former future leader, Bo Xilai.